How to Make Sense of the Irrational
It’s hard to make sense of events that don’t follow logic. Like a type 1 diabetes diagnosis. Like a death. Like a divorce. Like a relapse you tried to get over but the truth is it’s chronic. Some chronic conditions are fatal. You don’t think they’ll be. But some are.
My uncle died when he was 33 maybe 34. My boyfriend when he was 38 nearly 39. Of the same thing. 27 years apart.
I’ll never forget hearing the toxicology report from Napa. Listed ‘em alphabetically.
How do you make sense of the irrational?
Your loved one will always be with you. It’s not in the past for you in the beginning because you are thinking of them in the present. Everyone who comes into your life has a link to you forever with love. That love is yours now. It’s not fair. It’s a privilege you must (& get to?) hold when someone so loving dies.
A lot about life is unfair. No logic. Just because you love ‘em, help ‘em, support ‘em– doesn’t mean your energy will come back. Protect your energy. Know that if you gave them more, had more– more time, attention, affection, understanding– it doesn’t mean this wouldn’t have happened.
Addiction is a result of pain. Emotional pain. Our bodies can take significant physical pain but cannot take significant emotional pain. Your loved one was in pain. It may have been wired deeply. Understand but give yourself a boundary around empathy. This is difficult because you wanted him to help himself and love himself enough. Maybe he did and it wasn’t his fault.
Hold the mirror up to yourself and your addictions, distractions, behaviors that indicate you’re in pain. Do you turn to social media? Drink alcohol? Drugs? Other distractions? The biggest step you can take is “sober up” in health; intention. Around your nutrition. Movement. Mindset. Stop drinking, stop social media, stop watching TV. For a period. Start with 60 days. Go to a health group. A business group. A creative group. Turn inward. Avoid outward distractions. Clarity is going to come from within. Turn down the volume on the outside so you can turn up your intuition. A habit too small and healthy to mess up.
Learn to be. Learn to sit. With your pain, discomfort, whatever you’re calling it today. Have a mocktail or a green tea. People in your life care about you. They may send you flowers or invite you out. They won’t be there with you in the quiet of your present. This is the hardest space to sit. And it’s human nature for survival to connect with others. The old way. Keep the old way. And sit in adaptation moving slowly in front of you.
Adaptation now is to hold love in disconnection. Thrive by quieting the outside and creating inside. Planting seeds. Nobody really knows what’s coming from a seed. But humans always plant.
Humans need connection.
Your loved one was attempting to adapt to disconnection.
Originally written May 15, 2022